


Stay vs. Stray

by sailec



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Finn-centric, Gen, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-19 08:05:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13119588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailec/pseuds/sailec
Summary: Clothes. He'll need those. He doesn't want to steal, already feeling awful for taking advantage of Poe's hospitality after he told Finn he was free to go in and out of his room as he pleased – but maybe he won't mind too much if he brings just a change of the same clothes Poe gave him after Finn woke up.~~~Finn prepares to leave unseen, disappearing without letting anyone know. Set during The Last Jedi.





	Stay vs. Stray

**Author's Note:**

> (takes place sometime before the scene where finn meets rose)

He finds a backpack in Poe's room.

Finn stares at it for only a moment, jaw clenched before he pushes away the guilt and walks over to grab it, emptying out its content on top of Poe's bed. A pack of gum, a comb – which makes him smile, because Poe does have good hair ( _but then again, everything about Poe is good_ , Finn thinks and shakes his head. No time for any of that now) – and a thick book, the spine loose and the pages crinkled and worn like they've been turned too many times. Finn lifts it, feeling the weight of it in his hands as he looks down at it, turning the cover. Some sort of adventure romance, which makes him picture Poe sitting in his bed, late at night and tired from whatever mission he's been out on but staying up reading it anyway, holding back his yawn to get to his favourite parts of the story.

The thought of it, warm and comfortable and so  _normal_ , stings something deep in Finn's chest and he throws the book back on the bed, lifting the backpack again.

Clothes.

He'll need those. He doesn't want to steal, already feeling awful for taking advantage of Poe's hospitality after he told Finn he was free to go in and out of his room as he pleased – but maybe he won't mind too much if he brings just a change of the same clothes Poe gave him after Finn woke up.

He walks over to pull out the drawer he'd watched Poe go through earlier, when Finn was still blinking at him groggily as Poe talked non-stop while trying to find something for him to wear.

Poe, who must have a million things both on his plate and on his mind, who still practically sprinted over to him when Finn came stumbling past the hangar, still confused and anxious fresh out of coma, fear clawing in his chest with only one thought in his mind – _Rey, Rey, Rey, have to find Rey, where_  is  _Rey_ ; the memory of fighting in a forest felt two seconds away when he woke up, still seeing it all so vividly in his mind the only thing he felt after tumbling out of bed in panic and hitting the hard surface of the floor was surprise at not finding snow under his palms.

But there was Poe, hurrying over to put his hands on Finn's shoulders to steady him, relieved laughter and a smile on his face over seeing him, as if nothing bad at all was happening in the galaxy at that moment. Poe, assuring Finn that Rey was just fine before asking him a billion times how he was doing, steering him away to pick out clothes for him, asking if they fit, were they okay, did they feel okay, did  _Finn_  feel okay, did he want something, need something, anything Poe could do for him or – ? No Rey wasn't nearby, off on an island with Luke Skywalker – yes,  _the_  Luke Skywalker, who else, can you believe it, she went to find him – but if Poe heard anything new Finn would be the first to know and was he  _sure_  he's alright and had he said hi to BB-8 properly yet...?

For a moment Finn's throat tightens as he thinks about it, eyes blinking too fast, feeling two seconds away from crying as he stares down at his hands packing things so he can sneak out of here. He looks at the sleeves of the jacket he's wearing, the one Poe himself used to wear, all patched up after it got slashed across the back along with Finn's skin. Poe, standing in this same room earlier, excitedly telling him he'd fixed it for him, such unashamed joy on his face while still looking all bashful, like maybe he was waiting for Finn to tell him he liked it, hurrying out that he might not be that great at sewing, but hey! It'd match Finn's scar so now the jacket really did suit him even more, right, and Finn stared dumb because Poe – took the time to do it for  _him_  – ?

Finn's not sure he completely understands it, this feeling he can't put into words just yet he gets when Poe looks at him, as if Finn really is the only thing in the universe that needs Poe's attention, not-quite-the-same but similar confusion he has over how much Rey seems to care about him, as if Finn's well-being is something that matters so much to them. As if  _Finn_  matters so much to them.

Finn has known what kind of person he wants to be since the night he lowered his gun while watching a whole village get murdered in cold blood, how when finally faced with a choice – fulfilling what he was taught was his duty or going against everything he was supposed to believe in – it wasn't a choice at all. When hearing the screams and cries of people having done nothing wrong, begging for mercy as blood painted the ground, participating in the terror inflicted on them was unthinkable, no matter the consequences.

Innocent people shouldn't suffer whether he knows them or not – and Rey, Poe, good people he  _knows_  are good people, both of them the sort of light he'd never dreamed of finding out in the galaxy away from the First Order...

Of course he wants nothing more than to know they're both safe.

But Poe is well aware of the dangers they're facing, chooses to fight despite it – or, perhaps, because of it – and that's something Finn can respect, something Finn admires about him. He looks up to it, even as it scares him to know with such certainty Poe would happily give his last breath if it meant he'd save someone else, but he takes comfort in the determination he's already seen in him, even in the short time they've known each other; death could come for Poe, and Finn wouldn't be surprised if he survived out of sheer  _stubbornness_ , shrugging and saying thanks but no thanks, walking out of it unharmed – but even if the day would come where Poe didn't make it, it would be his own choice to have died for the cause.

If Rey comes back to them now, she'll be walking into a deathtrap, completely unaware of what is waiting for her.

Two things Finn knows to be true, since that night in the village; innocent people shouldn't suffer, and people need to get a say in the battles they fight. As bad as it makes him feel, there's nothing he can do by staying here anyway, nothing of worth he could contribute to the fight, especially not if the end really is as inevitable as it seems, but Rey – at least there's still time to save Rey.

The Resistance has Poe, and despite whatever feud seems to be going on among the higher-ups right now, they might still find a way through all of this. They've done the impossible before. Finn and Rey can find them later, once they all know it's safe to do so again, if they're lucky enough for it to be an option – but if the worst were to happen, at least he will know he did all he could to protect her, something so sharp and fierce in his heart with the importance of it.

It doesn't surprise him; the intensity of it. Finn made a choice that night in the village, holding off on the order to fire, and he knows what kind of man he wishes to be. He cares about people, this one thing he knows to be true; he  _cares_ , he  _wants_  to care, and the realization of it all has only ever felt right, no matter what his upbringing tried to make him believe. What surprises him amidst all of the affection he feels for Poe and Rey isn't his own feelings for them – it's looking at the people he can now call friends and seeing it in their eyes how they care  _back_.

('Friends'.

Such a strange feel to it in his mouth when tasting the word;  _friends_ , such a beautiful comforting concept he's never known the true meaning of before – if everything ended this very second, at least he did get to have this in his life.)

He thinks of Rey and feels a fierce protectiveness, a closeness they've shared from the start, as if Rey might just be what it would be like to have a family. Finn has nothing to compare it to, but maybe that's what this means, to feel so linked to someone that you would do anything for them, like Rey is the long-lost sister he's never known he needed until they found each other.

Finn thinks of Rey and thinks of family, but he thinks of Poe, and he – feels, too much of something he's scared to think too clearly about, unable to make himself spell it out fully even in his own mind.

Maybe it's just gratitude.

Maybe it's all because Poe is the reason Finn got away and lived to tell the tale; the daring pilot with dashing looks and a warm smile who managed to get them out of the clutches of the First Order, the brave Resistance hero who talked to Finn like he was worthy of so much more than being referred to as a couple of numbers.

...Perhaps it's just Poe.

The man who immediately believed Finn's intentions, who still looks at Finn with nothing but complete and utter trust for him, like Finn will always do the right thing and being good is not just something Finn wishes he could be, but something he unquestionably  _is._

Perhaps, Finn thinks, the reason he feels the way he does around Poe is because something deep inside of his heart has him wondering what they could be, what they could mean to each other, if they had more time, a sharp tug in his chest making him want to stay at Poe's side – but he can't think about this now.

Not when he's hiding in Poe's room, packing things to run away and leave it all behind without telling anyone, like the coward Poe doesn't seem to think he is.

Finn sniffs, wipes under his nose and shakes his head.

He can't tell Poe he's leaving. He's weighed his options, he  _can't_. He doesn't know how Poe would react. If he would be disappointed or hurt, if he'd try to stop him, or what Finn would do if Poe wouldn't let him go, or – … worse. If Poe asked him to stay.

Finn couldn't deal with it.

There's no other option but sneaking out.

He shuts the backpack and shoulders it as he straightens up, fingers twisting tightly on the strap of it. His gaze falls to Poe's nightstand just as he turns to head for the door, freezing as he looks down at the framed photo sitting there. It's a big group shot with – Finn assumes – a bunch of other pilots, Poe standing in the top corner, all of them smiling and making faces at the camera.

Finn looks at it and swallows, hand moving to the collar of his jacket. Hesitating only a second he lifts it to his nose, closing his eyes and breathing there for a moment, taking in the faint scent of him while he still can.

He wishes he could have hugged him goodbye, at least.

“I'm sorry,” he says quietly to the small version of Poe in the photo, opening his eyes and dropping his hand again. “If we make it through this somehow, I hope you can forgive me.”

With one last look at Poe's face, he turns towards the door, and leaves the room to go save Rey.


End file.
